Dealing with my loss

First off I am so sorry this has taken so long!  It took me along time to process and have time to write it all out. This will probably be a long post.

As many of you know I had a miscarriage May 2013. it was painful and ugly.  I didn't know how to deal with life. but life goes on, kind of, it goes on with a piece of your heart left behind.  Other people move on but me I stayed in a dark hole for a long time and I questioned God.

WHY!! 

WHY ME! 

WHY NOW! 

WHY? 

WHY didn't  you save him? (I believe God is capable of that! )

I thought you were GOOD?? 

Don't you LOVE me?? 

Then  October 2013 I was pregnant again and I wanted to be happy but I was filled with so much hurt and anxiety  that I couldn't be happy for days after testing, and then I started bleeding again.  and I really started questioning God.  However this time things were different we went straight to the midwife and got an ultrasound and I heard a heart beat. My baby was there!!! I was filled with joy and excitement but it was shadowed in worry the entire pregnancy (All 41 weeks 2 days of it)

Then July 2014 we welcomed our sweet girl into the world. She was perfect and came after a very long hard labor.  She is so precious but for the first few weeks I could barely believe she was here!! I felt like I was living in a dream and any minute she would be whisked away from me but she wasn't and she is perfect and she is already 7 months old!!!! 

Now I still hadn't  dealt with my loss, don't think the joy of this baby erased the pain.  I still miss my sweet baby that I never met.  However it wasn't until February 2015 that I realized I hadn't dealt with my heart. My heart  was  so HARD!!!

I was invited to an IF GATHERING  It was lovely and it was all about Joshua taking his promise land and it was all about God being good. And that was hard for me because I didn't see God as good.  He took my baby right.  He couldn't be good.  Then he started revealing things to me.


Joshua was a slave and then he was free but he wondered for years in the wilderness and then finally God tells him hey I want you all to march around Jericho for 6 days?? SAY WHAT!!  March around this city that has giants in it? But God WHY? WHY Now?   Just take it over.  (sound familiar)  

and in his quiet voice God said to me don't you trust me? 

And this may not mean anything to anyone but me, however My sweet baby girl her name is Jericho Elizabeth.  No not Jericho's walls fall, Not Jericho after a Les Mills pump trainer. 

 But Jericho my promise land and  Elizabeth  God is satisfaction. 

And you know If My Gabriel hadn't went to be with Jesus My Jericho wouldn't be here. I will never know why my baby died and I don't believe God caused him to die. Life happens and being a believer in Christ does not make you immune.  Bad things happen to everyone in every religion and walk of life. I have to remember that God can make a good thing come from an ugly one. Ultimately I have to remember through bad and good God is unchanging and

God is good, All the Time