Dealing with my loss

First off I am so sorry this has taken so long!  It took me along time to process and have time to write it all out. This will probably be a long post.

As many of you know I had a miscarriage May 2013. it was painful and ugly.  I didn't know how to deal with life. but life goes on, kind of, it goes on with a piece of your heart left behind.  Other people move on but me I stayed in a dark hole for a long time and I questioned God.

WHY!! 

WHY ME! 

WHY NOW! 

WHY? 

WHY didn't  you save him? (I believe God is capable of that! )

I thought you were GOOD?? 

Don't you LOVE me?? 

Then  October 2013 I was pregnant again and I wanted to be happy but I was filled with so much hurt and anxiety  that I couldn't be happy for days after testing, and then I started bleeding again.  and I really started questioning God.  However this time things were different we went straight to the midwife and got an ultrasound and I heard a heart beat. My baby was there!!! I was filled with joy and excitement but it was shadowed in worry the entire pregnancy (All 41 weeks 2 days of it)

Then July 2014 we welcomed our sweet girl into the world. She was perfect and came after a very long hard labor.  She is so precious but for the first few weeks I could barely believe she was here!! I felt like I was living in a dream and any minute she would be whisked away from me but she wasn't and she is perfect and she is already 7 months old!!!! 

Now I still hadn't  dealt with my loss, don't think the joy of this baby erased the pain.  I still miss my sweet baby that I never met.  However it wasn't until February 2015 that I realized I hadn't dealt with my heart. My heart  was  so HARD!!!

I was invited to an IF GATHERING  It was lovely and it was all about Joshua taking his promise land and it was all about God being good. And that was hard for me because I didn't see God as good.  He took my baby right.  He couldn't be good.  Then he started revealing things to me.


Joshua was a slave and then he was free but he wondered for years in the wilderness and then finally God tells him hey I want you all to march around Jericho for 6 days?? SAY WHAT!!  March around this city that has giants in it? But God WHY? WHY Now?   Just take it over.  (sound familiar)  

and in his quiet voice God said to me don't you trust me? 

And this may not mean anything to anyone but me, however My sweet baby girl her name is Jericho Elizabeth.  No not Jericho's walls fall, Not Jericho after a Les Mills pump trainer. 

 But Jericho my promise land and  Elizabeth  God is satisfaction. 

And you know If My Gabriel hadn't went to be with Jesus My Jericho wouldn't be here. I will never know why my baby died and I don't believe God caused him to die. Life happens and being a believer in Christ does not make you immune.  Bad things happen to everyone in every religion and walk of life. I have to remember that God can make a good thing come from an ugly one. Ultimately I have to remember through bad and good God is unchanging and

God is good, All the Time 

I am a Super Mom!!!

Or am I?

I have been wanting to write this post for months. Maybe even a year? but I couldn't decide how to put it into words.  Recently though I went to see the movie Moms Night Out and reality struck me. I can do this post and it is going to be great! (okay maybe not great but I am going to do my best)  and I am going to be real.


One day I was chatting with a friend on Facebook and we were talking about home school. And she said to me "I don't know how you do it!!, You are such a Super Mom"  and honestly it caught me totally off guard!

My first thought was I am not a Super Mom!!! but she was complimenting me and I didn't want to be rude so I said "Thanks! I think the same thing about other moms"

That conversation left me to months of thinking and deciding what is a Super Mom?  WE seem to hear that a lot!! SO he is what my brain kept telling me that a Super Mom was or had.

A Super Mom has it all figured out right? They can balance school, keeping the house up, being a mom, and a great wife, and don't forget meals.  So here is a day in the life of a Super Mom

 She wakes up and reads her Bible and lingers over a nice Hot cup of coffee while the kids are still sleeping.  Then she moseys into the kitchen and the kids are up by now and they help her make oatmeal and fried eggs and a nice piece of fruit and it is all beautifully arranged on the plates. Then the kids clear the table and put their dishes in the dirty dish sink and sit down to start school. (Mind you they are all dressed and their hair is fixed beautifully!) School is accomplished and now it is chore time and the day has been beautiful. They get all the chores done and sit down to a well balanced lunch and then everyone has a quiet time where they read books or nap and mommy gets some quiet time to read, sew, sit, sleep (whatever she wants really)  Once quiet time is over everyone comes down stairs and they do a craft or visit a park. Then they come home and make a beautiful dinner for daddy. When daddy comes home everyone is smiling and joyous and they show him all of the wonderful things they accomplished today Mind you mom is  dressed nicely and wearing makeup and has fixed her hair for the day.....


WAIT A MINUTE!! WHEN DOES THIS HAPPEN?? OK LETS GET BACK TO REALITY!


Here is a day in the life of a real Super Mom.

Mommy wakes up to the noise of screeching (yep screeching) only to find out that The 8 year old is keeping the 2 year old from raiding the pantry again!! Everyone is hungry so she throws oatmeal in the pan and if were lucky we have a piece of fruit with it.  Mommy makes her coffee and maybe gets a chance to drink it hot.  By this time it is after 8 and school has to be started or we will NEVER finish.  So the kids get their school out and mom starts reading lessons and giving assignments She gets interrupted multiple times by the two year old who needs a snack. OR the 2 and 4 year old are screaming.(mind you everyone is still in their Pajamas)  Then she gets back to school and gets assignments laid out for independent work and the phone rings. Mom answers and has to take the call.  The two year old needs another snack and the older two who are supposed to be doing school are punching each other and rolling on the floor in a fight over who gets to use what pencil!!! Then mom realizes that its lunch time and there is nothing prepared. She quickly makes Macaroni and cheese with broccoli in it (hey its got a be a little healthy) and everyone has a piece of fruit.  While mom is cooking the kids are supposed to be cleaning up their chore Zones. It is getting done (kind of). Then they all eat lunch and argue over anything they can argue over.  They double check to make sure school is done and everyone has quiet time.  The two year old naps after getting up 10 times and the older kids read or play Lego's (sometimes they are quiet)  Mom finally takes a shower and gets dressed and tries to have a few minutes of time to herself. Then she looks around and realizes how blessed she really is.  Then kids get up and they play outside. Sometimes mom ignores the house and goes out too. But most of the time she tries to get something done and starts dinner. She gets dinner done and daddy comes home She welcomes him with a kiss and hug, sometimes. She is dressed now but her hair is in a pony tail and she has no make-up on. The kids rush to see daddy they are so happy he is home.  They eat dinner and get kids to bed. Over all it has been a good day. Sure the kitchen floor hasn't been swept, there are 12 baskets of laundry that need folded, the floor needs vacuumed but it will be there tomorrow.  Mom heads off to bed and gets ready for another wild day.

I realized that a Super Mom is just a mom who cares about her kids.  She loves her family and what she does. She strives to be a good mom. She teachers her kids and answers their questions. She does her best with giving them healthy meals. She listens to them. She hugs them.

She doesn't have to do crafts. She doesn't have to go to the park. She doesn't need to wear make-up. She doesn't have to have a spotless house.

A Super Mom is not a mom who has it all together a Super Mom is me. A super Mom is YOU!

Why We Homeschool

I am getting ready to speak at a moms group in our area about why we home school and how it works for our family so I decided to just make it into a blog post. I haven't blogged in way to long!!

I am going to start by saying that homeschooling is NOT for everyone! Then I am going to tell you why it works for us and why we do it.

1) I feel led by God to home school 

When I was about 13 years old i met my first home school friends at camp.They were amazing people! They loved me for me, They were intelligent and thinking individuals.  I wanted to be like them! I wanted to be home schooled! and that is when i decided that home schooling was what I wanted for my kids.  Then fast forward 4 or 5 years. I started dating an amazing man ( who is now my husband) and we were chatting about life and what we wanted and I told him all I want is to be a stay at home mom and home school,  and you know what that amazing man cried because that is exactly what he wanted his wife to do and that was when I knew it was more than just my desire it was Gods desire also.  There is no way i could go through a day of homeschooling with out the backing of  my God.

2) I want to be the single greatest influence in my children's life

I want to watch them learn, I want to be there for them every step of the way, I want to be the one forming the adult they will grow into.  I DO NOT think that other people cant teach my kids and help them grow into fabulous adults, but I want to be the one to do it. In want to stop hear and say I think teachers are amazing!!! I could not do their job on the scale they do. it is one thing to teach your own kids but to teach a classroom full of someone else's kids! WOW! Teachers are amazing people.

3)I can customize their education and learning style

I have very active children who need hands on activities to learn and I have children who want to sit down and do workbooks all day and with homeschooling I can make that happen for any of them!  I can also look at what they are ready for and then start them there.  My oldest i tried to teach to read really early and it was a horrible experience! Now I watch them and see when they are ready.  I believe that it makes learning more fun for the student and easier for the teacher.  One way I customize is in that one of my children excels at math but is a struggling reader at 8 years old. I can give him advanced math and easier reading and it is okay! He can be at a first grade reading level and a 4th grade math level.

4) I was bullied in school

This is  a lame reason to home school but I am being honest here. This is in no way the main reason I home school but I believe it plays a part in my reasoning.  I don't want them to face what I did, I don't want them to draw in a shell and be a shy person because of bullies.  I know I cant shelter them forever but I can protect them and talk about the mean people out there, they know everyone isn't nice.  I am going to give a few examples of things I don't want them to have to deal with at a young age, things i had to deal with.  I don't want sympathy and I am not trying to cry about how bad things were for me, but like I said I am just being honest.  I don't want them to be left out by everyone.  I remember getting bad marks on my report card for not socializing and the reason was no one wanted me to play with them.  I just sat under a tree by myself everyday at recess. I don't want them to be called ugly.  In 6th grade is when i remember this starting and honestly still struggle with this today. I had a girl jab me in the forehead and tell me I had a big head with two bumps on my forehead, I had people tease me and say my bottom lip was big to the point I would bite my lip in to make it look smaller and give myself sores on the inside of my mouth, I had a girl tell me I smelled bad and sprayed me down with air freshener in front of the whole class, I even had someone tell me I talked like a boy. Wow people sure have a way of destroying innocence and self worth.  My kids don't need that.There were many more instances but I will stop here.  I am glad that by homeschooling  I can help them keep that innocence and self worth a little longer.

5) The get to learn lots of different arts, crafts and cooking

One of my favorite things about homeschooling is we have time to spend together doing things other than school.  My kids have learned some really fun and exciting things! My kids ages are 8, 6, 4,  and 21/2 and they have helped me and learned how to freeze apricots, peaches, tomatoes and green beans! They have helped me can tomatoes and apple sauce, they know how to make bread.  They are learning to knit, loom knit, weave, sew, cross stitch and whatever else we decide we want to do and I am learning right beside them!!!

So now you know why we home school. And here is a glimpse of one of our home schooling days.

The hardest things in life

Teach us the most.

In my last post way to long ago I announced we were pregnant with baby number 5.  A few months later I experienced my very first miscarriage an my sweet baby went to be with Jesus.  I was so mad at God for putting me through this. I trusted him with my fertility and I felt betrayed.  I learned though that trusting God doesn't always mean getting what we want or necessarily mean a happy ending. I learned that just because I am pregnant doesn't mean I will get to hold a baby.  I learned many other things and I just want to share some of what God taught me through this horrible trial.

I have an absolutely amazing husband that cares deeply for me. I have always known I was blessed to have him but I needed a reminder of how great he really is.

One thing I learned is I have really great friends! People to hold me up and encourage me and to remind me daily that God is in charge.  Some of them I have never even met in person but they still love and care about me.

I have great kids and I need to let some things go and spend more time with them because I never know when the chance to be with them could be gone.


Here is a few pictures I took when I was struggling.  It was the simple things that kept me going. Here is a few pictures I took of  "weeds" that were growing in my yard as well as my chives, and a beautiful hanging basket that my Mother In law gave me after I lost the baby.

Family Planning

Our Way
*Note* This is what God has done in our lives and may not apply to you, we wont judge you for your choice please don't judge us for ours.

We just announced that we are expecting Baby Number 5!! Yay!! We are so excited and so are our Children! But there are those who are not excited for us, and it is heartbreaking to have someone give you a negative response when you tell them about something so exciting in your life. So I decided to share why we are pregnant with our 5th (well other than the obvious, yes we know what causes it).

Recently we have really started digging in to Gods word and have been learning a lot!  It is amazing what God does in our lives if we let him. So I am going to reveal a little bit of my heart to you today.

Truth is Malachi was a challenging baby, and still is, so I decided we should wait. Well then my reasons for waiting for another baby changed.  They become selfish and vain. Selfish because David was ready for another baby and vain because I was more concerned about my looks and weight loss goal and looking Great for my 10 year high school reunion then what God really wanted for our family. So God revealed to me the importance of big families through my Above Rubies magazine as well as through the book called  A Full Quiver.  I am going to share some Biblical truths as to why we made the decision to not only have a 5th baby but hopefully many more.  

Psalm 127:3-5 says, 3 Children are a heritage from the Lord,offspring a reward from him. 4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. 5 Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.

Proverbs 17:6 says, “Grandchildren are the crown of old men, and the glory of children is their parentage.”

Matthew 18:1-3At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

Mark 10:14 But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.

So this is what God Showed us. If you have more questions ask me. OR just go get the book  A Full Quiver and read it through. Who knows it might change your life too or it will at least show you how it has changed ours.

With Love
Rachel

Devotions? What does that mean?

The What, How, When and Why of Devotions

*Note* This is my own opinion and doesn't have to reflect the way you live your life

So in my last post which you can read here I talked about the many changes that have been happening in our lives one being stepping up our relationship with God and doing daily devotions. So now I want to cover what are daily devotions, how do we do them, when do we do them, why do we do them.

So first...

What are Devotions?

Devotions are time spent reading Gods word and praying. Just being in Gods presence. Just listening and spending time with your savior.

How do you do devotions?

So when I was a kid going to church camp I was always taught to do devotions everyday. So in my mind that meant I had to have a really great devotion book, you know like a Daily Bread or something. So I would get one, I would read it  and of course I would read the couple verses that go along with it but I always felt that something was lacking and then I would quit because, well it was lacking. So recently I decided that I don't need devotion books, because I already have the Ultimate Devotion book that was written by God.  So How do I do devotions?  I read The Bible and spend time in prayer. and So far I am doing better than I have ever done before at keeping up with spending time with God.

When is the best time to do devotions?

Well I do devotions at night before going to bed and my husband and I read for a few minutes just before he leaves for work in the morning and we read right after dinner in the evenings while everyone is still sitting around the table.  We chose these times because they work for our family.  We tried doing Family devotions right before bed but that posed a problem on days that everything went crazy and we were just getting home at the kids's bedtime. We would just skip the devotions because everyone was crazy and tired.  I tried doing my devotions at nap time or first thing in the morning (like everyone tells you to do)  but the kids would get up early or I had to train them to keep them in bed at nap and so I was missing out on my time with Jesus. So  I took my husbands advice and started reading before I go to bed. No matter what time it is I try and read for at least a few minutes before drifting off to sleep.  My husbands dad told him once. "what better way to fall asleep than in the presence of God"

So as a summary do devotions when it works for you just make sure you are fitting it in. :)

Why do devotions?

Do devotions because it helps you to be closer to God.  It teaches you to live how he would want you to live.  And it helps you to be a better you.  

Big Changes!

Recently we have made ALOT of changes in our lives.

 First my husband had a job change!! Yay! what a blessing that was!  He is still with the same company just a better position.  Then we moved to be closer to his new location and it has been fabulous!! We are renting a house, and for the first time in our married life we actually have a house! With space! It is amazing and I don't have enough furniture to fill it. LOL

But more than those changes we realized that our relationship with God was greatly lacking so we decided to step it up a little or a lot really. We made a contract that we both signed together stating that we would

 1. Do devotions with our kids every evening at supper time. We just started in Genesis and started reading to them then we discuss what we read and pray

2.Do our own devotions privately before going to bed each night.

3.Do a couples devotion in the morning before David leaves for work and before the kids are out of bed.

It has been fabulous!! we haven't been perfect we have missed a few couples devotions but we are working towards doing better. Our kids have really enjoyed it! and I am amazed and what God brings to the surface when you are spending time with him everyday.  For example, I am learning that I am a little bit of a control freak! Yikes! God is teaching me to relax and let him take care of our problems.  Maybe later I will tell you more about what he is doing but for now I just want to encourage you to make sure your heart is aligned with Gods so that he can help you be a better happier you!